No one told me how common all of this was. After 2 miscarriages at 9 and 7 weeks, when i got to 23 weeks everyone was telling me to calm down and enjoy being pregnant.
On 22 November 2006 I felt really quite unwell so called in sick much to my works dismay. I called to make an appointment with the midwife but had an appointment the next day and she was fully booked so decided to go to the doctor. After a little sleep I started to feel a bit better and was going to cancel the appointment when I noticed a wet patch on the sofa. Worried that I had wet myself and not knowing what was going on went to see my GP. He checked the baby’s heartbeat and then just gave me some antibiotics saying I probably had a water infection and advised me to stay off work for the rest of the week. Andy my fiancé came with me to the midwife as i continued leaking water throughout the night, she did quick urine tests but then sent me to St Michaels in Bristol `just to be on the safe side`. Andy being the lovely man he is rushed me up there reassuring me that everything would be ok. After arriving they ran tests to make sure it was not the amniotic fluid. They too reassured me there was no leak but would send off tests which would be back on the Saturday and to keep taking the antibiotics.
The following day I felt glowing for the first time, we set off down to Cornwall to see some friends of ours but then that night I started sweating and shivering and was generally restless for the night. Saturday morning Andy was decorating our bathroom with his dad, his mum sat with me making sure I was ok. By the time they left I was screaming in pain and poor Andy looked so helpless. I took some paracetemol but nothing. By 9pm the pain was getting worse. I called the doctor but he told me it was Saturday night and he was very busy so to call St Michaels. Getting more worried I called them and they told me to have some more paracetemol and a hot bath and to call back if I didn’t improve. After the bath I noticed spots of blood so called the hospital who told me to come down ASAP. The whole journey there I never once thought I would be leaving without my son. I felt him kick so assumed everything would be ok.
By the time I arrived at the hospital my temperature had soared to 38.2 degrees, my white blood cell count had tripled and the scan showed that I had lost all of the amniotic fluid. Suddenly Andy and I were forced to make a decision, have Harrison born and immediately taken away for months and months of special care with an 85% chance of major complications or to see what happened. I resented having to make this decision. He was my son, he was perfectly formed and they told me if he was 1 week older they would automatically attempt to save him - why don’t they save them all!!! My dreams were being shattered in record time! I was fully dilated and all the team were telling me to breath and push - I didn’t know how!!! I didn’t want to! I wanted to protect Harrison like I had done for 5 months! He was born at 11.30pm that 25 November 2006, so perfect but so small at 1lb 3oz. I insisted Andy held him first. I wanted to see him holding his son! They looked so alike, big hands and big feet. Harrison was confirmed dead at 11.59 that night having passed away peacefully in his daddy’s arms. The three of us lay there for hours. The hospital did take photos and hand and foot prints which I will always cherish but to this day I HATE myself for not holding him more and taking more photos. Andy tried to on his phone but when he got home that morning they had gone!?!
The hospital did everything right and I cannot blame them but until I get the results and see the consultant I am just haunted by everything.
We buried Harrison James on 12 December in the special baby area of a local crematorium. It was so beautiful. We played the aerosmith song `I dont want to miss a thing`. Andy is on the local RNLI Crew in Weston and the crew turned out in their RNLI Guernseys and carried Harrison to the chapel and then buried him. Everything was perfect but I regret not seeing him one last time before his funeral. Andy and I are comforted at having somewhere beautiful to go to to remember and speak to Harrison but I just want him back so much. I was glad to put 2006 behind me but hated the fact that I was closing a door that I don’t want to close. I can’t believe it has already been 5 1/2 weeks; I wake in the morning feeling as raw as the day he was born.
Thank you for letting me speak!

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